To Go or Not to Go!

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Fathers Day is fast approaching and i am trying to decide if i am going to my Fathers grave. I have never been able to go because it brings up too many feeling and emotions. My Mom is right next to his along w/ other relatives and friends. Now that I have a Son it seems to make me feel more obligated to force myself to go. Even though I know he can’t "hear" me, I feel like my Dad is upset that i have not come to see him. I know its weird but thats how i feel. I still need to figure out how to answer my Son when he asked about his other Grandfather(my Dad). I’ll have a few more years to figure this one out.


41 Replies to “To Go or Not to Go!”

  1. The courts are very one sided.15 yrs ago I went through what your going through now.The mother proved to the court she was an unfit mother.Not my words the judges she still recieved custody and 60% of my pre tax income was awarded to her for support for two children.I went from a two story victorian to a shack on the edge of a swamp.The children are grown and on thier own now I never missed my pittiful visitation and they know I still love them.I had became disabled in 94 the county took the children away from my ex for a year costody was awarded to me they have been garnishing my dissablity check for three years now to pay for the year I had custody the state of MI has not recieved any money they say.The feds say they send it.I have been to court three times to stop this and each time the judge ruled in my favor still they keep doing it.Far more than the three thousand they claimed I owed has been taken but they won’t stop untill the county tells them to.They will not even return my calls s.o.l. on my part I guess.I was recently able to get off of disability and have become 1099 employee making good money now they will have to take me on head to head.But you know I am still considered a dead beat dad by the stats because of a neglegint county I wonder how many more of guys in my shoes are on that list.Just hang in there as long as the kid knows the ttruth nothing else matters.

  2. hi. I had to comment on your blog. First off I want to say that I am a single mother and I commend you on really trying to be there for your son. From my perspective I did feel weird dealing with my ex and if he had attempted to see him I would have gladly let him. I can say that we finally were able to have visitation and he was able to see his dad after 3 years (military dad) and I met the new wife. I am fortunate that she is really nice and that I would trust her around my son. I just wanted to say good for you and keep trying. A boy needs his father, don’t give up. Also, you will know when you are ready to go ‘see’ your dad. Sometimes getting a little push helps you along. Good luck.USMCdaffy

  3. i read most of your only a teenager..but i foudn them touching..i hope everything works out for you

  4. I collect child support for my state’s child support enforcement agency. The moms complain that they get too little and the dads complain that they pay too much. The adults act like children and the children suffer. Listen to yourself – complaining about your former spouse, the court system, social security and the injustice of getting a ticket for driving with a suspended license. The $105 you paid in traffic fines should have gone to your son – you are making some bad choices; knock it off. If you won’t work, sell your car, get a studio apartment near a bus line and suck it up. Quit whining and act like a man.

  5. Hi…this is a brief comment on your 06/15 blog. I am what you might call an "expecting" father. Even though I wouldn’t define my father as being an alcoholic…he had some issues with it (alcohol), and inherited the rest to us all. I guess…what I´m trying to say is, regardless of your father hearing or feeling a particular way as of now, you must deal with your side yourself; keep in mind that whatever your dad did do, it took a big part on your upbringing and personality, and so far (from what I’ve read on your space), you seem like a pretty decent person, and a cool dad to your son. From your brief blog from today, I sense that you feel afraid (so to speak) to just go to your father’s grave; best advice I can give you…do whatever feels best for you. Believe it or not, your father is at peace now…so I guess it’s your turn. Don’t wait until it’s too late…or until it consumes too much more of your energy. Keep in mind that you must be at peace with yourself, before you can be at peace with anybody else…your life begins and ends with you as an individual. Even though it might seem like a helpless situation at times…there’s always someone beside you, to comfort you and see you through the rough….pray….for it is the mightiest defense we have against all that’s negative. Best regards from Guatemala (Central America).Juan

  6. Hey, child support officer, you are an insensitive ASS and I hope you die SCREAMING!!! THis guy tried to do something for a suffering kid and you have the gall and lack of common sense to berate him. What a jackass you are. you suck. I hope you get the pain you deserve, you overbearing, loudmouthed, controlling piece of TRASH!

  7. Let’s see, he chose to do something which cost him his license, then he chose to drive. How responsible is that? Perhaps he should have called a cab. I am not an advocate for irresponsible adults, I am an advocate for their children. This man uses the word "I" an awful lot – he claims to care about his son, but his actions speak louder than words.

  8. You seem like a sincere person, but after reading a couple of your entries, I’m frankly puzzled as to why MSN highlighted your blog today. When an adult man, a role model to a child, cannot spell at more than a 3rd grade level, it raises concerns for the future of the child. Please learn to write at an appropriate level for an adult, and encourage your son to learn the importance of this as well. Your thoughts are important. You don’t want people being distracted by a perceived lack of education or effort on your part – you want people to hear what you have to say and respect your words and opinions. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, rather I’m truly encouraging you to work at this, as you will find so many more doors open for you when you express yourselves clearly and correctly. People will take you so much more seriously. If you want the best for your son, TOP of the list should be his education. Best wishes.

  9. hi Tom,it is sad the struggles one face..we all have our demons to conquer…it is also refreshing to know that are still a few men out there, in broken marriages, that take the responsibility of their children..and are sincere about it…i promise you, your son will NEVER forget that…Keep God in your life Tom and make sure your son is raised in God’s word…it will make all the differnce…God bless you & yours

  10. I just found your blog and I just became a single father. I found out today that I would be granted residential custody of my two year old daughter. This is the divorce was final yesterday. This is probably the happiest and saddest day of my life. I got everything including my daughter in the divorce but I can’t help but be sad that her mother wont choose to be in her life. I expected a fight and instead I got sure that is ok. Thanks for sharing your story it always feels good to know your not alone.

  11. I’m so impressed to see that the ‘child support officer’ is giving such amazing advice! The idea of "taking a cab" is wonderful, unless you live in a small city which has no taxi service available, such as myself. I’m also not suprised the ‘child support officer’ mentioned that he/she hears the ‘moms complain that they get too little and the dads complain that they pay too much’, I guess he/she assumes that it’s always the mother with the child, because the dad is always the "deadbeat", right? Well Tom, you just do what you need to. BEST WISHES!D. Salvatore

  12. Just want to wish you Happy Father’s Day and hope everything goes well. Your son may call someone else daddy, but you will always be his "daddy". All the best.

  13. I am so sorry I wish all parents could work together in the best interest of the child. But it seems this world is totally unfair. I have 3 children and 2 of them have fathers who just dont care. But it can be the other way around too whether or not that parent has custody doesnt seem to affect thier attitudes either. So I completely am sympathizing and angry that blood doesnt equal compassion and brains. Good Luck.. Here’s hoping on a wish and a prayer for you. And that cute little boy of yours.

  14. I am SOOOOOO happy for you! You deserve it. Im sorry I havent talked to you recently. Thomas got bitten by something and his hand was swollen up like a baloon, lol. Two doctors trips, ect ect ect…… You know how it is. I just want to say again that I am happy for you. It really says something about the father that you are, you know?

  15. I understand what you are going through, although from a slightly different perspective. When my first marraige ended, my daughter was about 7 years old. The first few years, we had a relatively good relationship. I had good visitation and was as involved as I could be in her life; living 75 miles apart. We started having problems in our relationship when I became involved with another woman that my daughter did not like. In fact she hated her. It has only been in the last two years or so that we have gotten back to being close and I dearly value every moment that we can spend together. She is now 20. My younger daughter; by my second wife, is 12. Her mother and I have only recently divorced. Even though she only lives about 5 miles from me it hurts, more than words can say, not to be able to be with her all the time. To watch her grow up from a distance. I do see her frequntly, but it is just not the same as being there all the time. My thoughts are with you and the best of luck. The world rarely hears the man’s side of the story. I am sure you have already heard this but, one very important thing to remember is; no matter how you feel about your ex-wife, make sure your son knows BOTH you and his mother love him and never say anything disparaging about his mother to him. You are his daddy, you will always be his daddy, and no matter what; you will always love him!Take care and keep the faith.

  16. Hello, I found your blog touching, I know all about Fathers Day, my father is in a grave, I hope people will take time to visit thier father,I know I wish mine ws still alive. And yeah, I have a child the father of her and I have a stromy relationship we are trying to work it out

  17. i am a single father and having been through a similar results i won. i have three kids and i have custody of all. i didnt think i would have custody of my kids but i always believed i could do it. i had to fight all the legal systems and had good days and bad days but in the end i won. that is what you have to believe in and weather you get to your goals or not you know you did the right thing for your son daughter. this is what being a parent is. unconditional love. and even though it isnt fair mostley due to the incompotent irresponsible and a lack of understanding family law judges (thank you judge jack oregon city oregon)this is what your life is about now. your child will keep you moving forward through life. the most important thing you can teach to a child is morals. and those dreams of father and son is what you will charish for life. be a good father and never give up.

  18. Just go with what seems right in your heart (I’m NOT saying that you’ll know AHEAD of time what that will be; RATHER, that you just instead; play it by EAR: at the right time it will just "Naturally" seem like the "RIGHT" thing to do or the "NOT right" thing to do. In EITHER case, follow your "inner-voice" as You, and YOU ALONE know all the "positive’s" and "negatives" that you MAY, or may NOT be having to deal with –and WHY.__I am SURE that if you really WANT to go, that you will GO. And if you DON’T, that you WON’T (and that in EITHER case, that you will have G-O-O-D reasons for DOING so…. You DON’T need to "justify" to ANYONE (but YOURSELF); and you WILL know the answer.__REGARDLESS of what decision you make; DON’T feel you have to "Justify". The "Justification" (one way or the other) will Justify ITSELF.__If it’s meant to be, it will be.__Put it THIS way, you wouldn’t want your Kid to feel "Pressured" were the shoe on the other FOOT would you ?__Thought not.__Hope it’s helped.__Very nice son (& you OBVIOUSLY love him—and HE will you, I can tell you that right now. Good-Luck in a "lonely-journey".__I’ll be back in time to watch your progress. I DEFINITELY wish the best for you.__A VERY nice son. And it is S-O-O-O commendable that you made the choice to raise him on your own.__I think you will be a most W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L parent !

  19. Well I haven’t read everything in your blog, just the one entry that popped up when I saw the feature on MSN. I also saw a comment from someone else saying how they look out for the interests of children, not parents. Well, as a daughter without a dad, I want you to know that I think it is really wonderful that you are making an effort to have a meaningful relationship with your children, despite your relationship with your ex and your past mistakes. I can tell you from experience that from the child’s point of view, having no relationship at all with your father is much more difficult than having a father who has made some mistakes. So anyway good for you for not giving up and don’t let the haters get you down. If you love your kids and you show it, they will love you too (even if they sometimes don’t want to admit it), no matter what you have done in the past.

  20. Wow! No wonder MSN picked your site for feature! Great work! I also understand your Father’s Day/Dad/graveside problem , I deal with it each year as well. Just remember everyone deals with things in their own time/way. You will know when its right for you. Good luck 🙂 maggie

  21. This is the first time I’ve read any of your entries and it made me realize why i stay away from this sort of thing. i read the comment that child support officer left and it made me extremely angry. i didnt see you complaining about an injustice from the traffic ticket you got….you admitted you would do it again. and as for complaining about your ex, WHO DOESNT??? if we werent hurt by them enough to voice it and need to vent, they wouldnt be our exes. as a single mom, i sympathize and definitely applaud you for being sensitive enough to find a way to get out your "jumbled" feelings. sometimes, its exactly what a single parent needs to help them along. Good luck in your (and your sons’) future. I will keep you both in my prayers!

  22. Hey…I’ve read most of your blogs and I really don’t know what to say, but keep up the good work I guess. I think I might have an idea of what you go through, well maybe not me, but my dad is also a single parent with 2 daughters, me and my sister who’s 11. My mom had cheated on him when I was in 1st grade, about 7 or 8 years ago. So I can understand your struggles. Well happy Father’s Day.

  23. I just found your blog as a result of the MSN feature. I was a single father with custody of my son since he was 18 months old (he just turned 21 years old in April). Please stay strong, support him as you are able, to the point of personal sacrifice if necessary, and keep fighting for every moment you can spend with him. Most importantly, I pray that both she and you can keep him protected from the disagreements between you. He needs to know and be involved with two loving parents, not just one. That was always priority one with both of us, and keeping that focus actually kept us from fighting most of the time.

  24. Hello I have read alot of your blogs and I can tell you they touch my heart. You see I was a single mother up untill 7 months ago now the government has them not their dad he has passed away. But still it is pretty much the same struggle for visits and stuff. I would be happy to read in one of your entries that you did infact visit your dads resting place. You see my children were young when their dad passed on and i make it a point to take them to visit his resting place it helps them and it just may help you. It is due to health reasons that I do not have my children now. Well it is time for me to sign off. I wish you luck and a very Happy Fathersday.

  25. I think your site is beautiful! I can tell from your blogs that the space is very theraputic for you, and others too, I imagine. You seem like a wonderful dad too! All the best to you and your son. His lucky to have you……….

  26. I can Truly relate to your situation,I’m 47, Disabled due to a construction accedent several years ago, have an ex wife from Hellmy Daughters 17th birthday is tomorrow, fathers day is around the corner, I have not seen or spoken with my Daughter in five years thanks to her mother, even though i continue to pay more than court ordered child support and for full medical insurance … losing her was like having my heart cut out ..Just stay strong man, stay strong …my own father died when I was 17 … and yes i still miss him, and now that my daughter is gone fathers day sucks even more, but in spite of all this .. you must be thankfull to simply be alive and to have your son in your life.I was disabled in 1995, badly disabled ! …it will get better, Trust me … I never let myself miss an Arizona sunset,I’m just glad to be able to see themstay strong, stay calm, don’t let it eat at you …VENT to those you can trust … it will get better.

  27. My mother passed away many years ago. I live over 300 miles from where she’s buried. But, that’s just her body. My mother is with me every day when I think about her. She’s in my children and me in more ways than I can number. If you don’t want to go to the cemetery, you don’t have to. Just thinking about your father is honoring him. And when the time comes to tell your son, just be honest and age appropriate. And make sure that he knows that the people he loves aren’t going to die any time soon. That will be his worry. That was my son’s fear.

  28. WOW- great blog Its awesme to see a male voice his thoughts so freely. Go visit your dad and you’ll be glad you did.

  29. Hi Tom I have an 8yr old son. I was in the same place like you with my son for 5yrs. I would get him evey monday for 6hrs if i got a hotel room for him to stay at. Other wiz I only got him for two hrs. As long as mom had control she was fine. When he was 5 I had my life in order and went back for more time and for weekends. I got them only after jumping through alot of hoops. My son has astm so he needs to take inhalers to breath at time so I had to take classes for that. Just last yr she went to the court and had my overnights taking away. She had a Dr. say he was after being at my houe. I had to go to a two week test at special hospital so he could be tested and I could take classes. He and I lerand somethings the biggest thing was she had two mental disoreders is what I found out and he triggers for his breathing. I keep fighting for my son because I want him to know that I did what I could for him. What you are doing here is a good thing because he will beable to see what was going on that he did not see. God be with you.

  30. I agree..everyone has their own way of dealling with things in this life..but you know, you will never get over the feeling that "I should have" done this or that.On the first visit take a flower or a flag or a card or a picture and leave it..dont have to stay long just a gesture. The next visit would get a lot easier .I have seen some people actually sitting in the cemetary having a picnic near a gravesite, if you can believe that! Bottled up feelings only get more bottled up as the years go along. Good luck with it in any way you chose to deal with it. Wonderful space so glad I found it..

  31. When I was 15 our family dog died. I was so upset I wanted to have him buried in one of those fancy pet cemetaries. My Father told me that cemetaries were for the living to grieve for the dead. He said that everytime I’d go to the cemetary I would only think that my dog is no longer alive and be sad. He also said I would feel guilty if I moved away and never went to visit. He told me pictures and memories were better because then you would remember the good times. My Father died 5 years later and I’ve only been to his grave for the buriel and when the headstone was placed. I always remember what my Dad said to me even though it was almost 30 years ago. I’m sorry I’m so long winded, but going to the grave isn’t the important thing. Sharing memories of your Dad with your son is so much more important. In a way you will be keeping your Dad alive for your son. I always mention little things to my children and I think sometimes they think they met him even though they never did. Good luck to you.

  32. I am a 22 year old college student. I have had little to no relationship with my father since I was about 6 years old, so I commend you on your desire and efforts to have a strong and loving relationship with your child! I had a very close relationship with my grandmother, who died 9 days after I graduated high school. I have only visited her grave twice, the funeral and to see the head stone. I personally feel that it is simply the place where her body lies, and even though I recently graduated from college (something that I know she is incredibly proud of), I have not been to the grave site. You have to go because you want to be there, no out of obligation…you can talk to your father anytime you wish in your heart, and he knows that you love and miss him, so spend your Father’s Day as you truly wish to. Happy Father’s Day!

  33. My ex passed away two years after we were divorced. It took two years to become okay with the fact that I was to take care of these boys entirely on my own (read absent father and intermittent child support payments). When I finally stopped feeling angry/hurt/confused and decided that this was how it was going to be, an officer comes to my work and tells me the man who used to be my best friend/lover/husband committed suicide. There was some guilt. I was angry with myself because I didn’t see that he needed help. I decided to divorce him because I had had enough and felt as if I was the only one working on this marriage. I was angry more at myself at letting this marriage fall apart and was convinced that he didn’t care. To hear of his demise was devasting. I realized only at the last moment, that he just couldn’t help himself, how could he help anyone?I am lucky to have maintained contact with his father. We, the boys and I, talk to him regularly. I see a bit of Jon in each of them. I remember the part of him that was good.

  34. To go or ot to go is a huge question. First I would like to say that I lost my father 20 years ago today. He took his own like when I was only 16, then it was only 2 days before Father’s Day. It took me many years to forgive him for what he had done. I will never know why it happened. I have very few pictures as he and my mother split when I was about 5. I never saw him much because he moved far away. I went to his grave for his funeral and only a handful of times since then. This year my sister wants all of my sisters and brothers to go because it has been 20 years. I am going to go with them tomorrow, because it has been a few years since I was there last and to support my siblings. I wouldn;t have gone if my sister never asked me to. I feel that as long as you never forget them and keep them in your heart you don’t need to go to the grave. On the other hand I do get a strange feeling about going, so then I go and visit. Whether you go or not, just never forget the great memories. Happy Father’s Day to all!

  35. it is easy to make generalizations about complicated situations…but please remember that no ones situation is the same. I am a single mother of three children. I was forced out of my marriage because my husband would not get help for a serious addiction. It has been almost two years and i have no child support from him.To be honest i dont trust the court system, and i am still quite afraid of him. As for him , he continues to slander me and procure sympathy from anyone who will listen. Telling them the his"evil ex" wont let him see the children when ever he likes. I am just writting to say that all situations are different and that im tired of the "evil exwife" story! However,I am sure that your halo is bright and shiny! Cheers!

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