I couldn’t sleep last nite. I Kept trying to think of every thing I could rember about my Dad. It was temporarily interupted when I noticed the sun was coming up. I guess no sleep for me today.
One memory did stick out. It was a private moment that I think really made a difference in my Dad’s life. First let me say that he was an alcoholic. When we were allowed to visit my parents we had to make shure my Dad was either not home or not drunk before we were allowed to stay for the day. One visit he came home after we were dropped off. None of us knew he was home. I noticed him on the back steps crying. I debated wether I should go out to see what was wrong. I could not just walk away, so I went outside. I asked "why are you criying" He said "because none of my kids love me". I was shocked to hear this. How could he think that. I thought for a second or two and told him " dad, your two people to us, the drunk Dad & our real Dad. we do hate the drunk one but we love with all our hearts, our real Dad". He looked at me and it seemed like a light went on in his head. I wanted to chang the subject so I asked if he’d eaten recently.He said he was hungry & didn’t eat for a few days. I flet very sad for him so I asked him to come on inside & dry his eyes so my bro & sis would’t see he was crying. I aske him If he wanted some tomato soup & three or four grilled cheeses. I told him it would be the first time I was able to cook for him. That made him laugh a bit. He ate and was alright.
That was in 81/82. I only knew of him getting drunk 1 time since then. He stopped drinking, smoking, cursing and such. Then to my surprise he got involved with a Spanish Penticostal church. I actually helped him work on one of the building he help to renovate for his new Church. He worked his way up to become assistant Pastor often giving the surmons. When he died in 97, he vieing was at his church. They wanted to help our family pay some of his final expences so they put a donation box out. It quickly became so full we had to get a bigger box. I could’nt believe people could be so giving. They were not wealthy but when my family added up the cash & chechs it totaled over $2,200. Not one single check bounced. That was truly amazing.
I don’t know if the conversation on the back step that night convinced him to make the change. I am shure his life change brought much happiness into many peoples lives at his church and at the local hospitals where he would take the Church to those unable to go to it. Most of all it proved to me and my family that no matter how far down in the hole someone can be there is always a way out. In my Dads case, out and then some.
To my Dad: "We still and will always love you"
…tom g/logansdady
I’d like to think that what you said on the porch that day really did make a huge difference. The smallest acts of kindness often produce the biggest miracles. Take care:-)
well. Seems to me that then all your father needed was an act of sweetness only children can give. That knowing what he was doing was hurting you and that you loved him to made him relize it wasnt worth it. So thats why he got better. And small act of kindness when no one is watching get the biggest rewards
I think what you said to your Dad IS the reason he changed. Nothing is more important to a parent than their child, you know that. Knowing that you loved him, unconditionaly, despite all of his mistakes was probably what gave him the strength he needed to change. I hope all is well with you. Have you heard wether or not your space has been chosen? I hope so.
God has a plan for every person he brings into this world before they are even concieved and when life seems so unbearable to us and we ask why did he give us this life, it’s not because he disliked us any different from any one else it’s because he needed you in the life of your father. It was probably that moment with your father that god had intended to change his life for the better. He needed you to bring him to the lord and that is why you were the one who shared those words of love with him. Sometimes we never understand our life or why our life was different from a friend or maybe a cousin all we can do is learn from what was laid out as out individual paths. Children are innocent and what they say truly comes from within the heart and they don’t think about it being the wrong thing to say, they just say it. If any other memories don’t surface that was one well worth remembering……Liz
What you said made a huge difference — what you did made even more of a difference. I know this because I have been in your dad’s shoes at one time. He is one of the lucky ones to have a child with a heart full of compassion and understanding. It is becoming a rare thing in this world.Debbie
wow, that was truely touching. i wish there was a way to get through to all the dads out there who need to find a way out. thank God that there are some good daddy’s out there though, like you. 🙂
I really enjoyed the entry called "Memories of Dad." You have a great style of writing — it reminds me of J.T. Leroy ("The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things"). Whenever I see children parenting their parents, it breaks my heart … and it’s so common these days … I will be checking in now & then to read your new entries. Thanks so much!
This is one of the most beautiful stories I’ve ever heard ("Memories of Dad"). I’m sitting here trying not to let the tears fall…My parents got divorced when I was 5. I never really knew my Dad and he didn’t call much. I hated him for years because of that but I wouldn’t let any of my stepfathers get close and my mom eventually divorced them, too. It was only after I reached young adulthood that I started to get over it. My oldest sister and I were visiting him one year when I overheard him talking to her in the tv room. He said that he had wanted to see us more but that my mom and my grandmother preferred him to stay away. My heart broke for him (and me) and the ice started to melt. It fully melted when he had a heart attack and subsequent triple bypass some years later. I had missed and loved him SO MUCH without knowing it. Your father was a very lucky man to have heard you, his son, state the relationship you and your sibling had with him (and his "other self") so succinctly. It DID change his life. You can be proud of that. You will have a wonderful relationship with your own son when he is grown. It will take time, but you have put in a LOT of effort. He may not see it now, he may not see it as a teenager (WON’T see it!!), but he will when he is a man. Again, you can be proud.With Deepest Sincerity,Sara
I’m so moved. Great son and great dad! Happy father’s day!
Hi Tom,Thank you for your insite into your travails with your father. It truly is moving and i do hope that you will continue to keep his memory alive. I too had my problems with my father and it was never resolved, now I am a father and I am keeping my fingers cross that I will do a better job not for his sake but mine. It truly is hard being a father these days not so much because of who we are but because somehow life seems to be changing the rules of the game on us and it seems that it won’t be long before we will be baring as much of the burdens if not all like mothers. Your father died a good man, many of us might not have the same good luck. Their is a certain finality in days loss that if not indemnified by days gained makes this life a miserable waste.Take care and God’s Love.
I have spent most of the past 2 hours reading every entry…the hell you have been through and the hell you are currently in is one I empathize with. Sadly, mine is over. The reason I say sadly, is that my children’s father passed away (by his own accord) almost 6 years ago and now they will never be able to get the answers to any questions they have of him. Even though we had a horrible ending (him trying to kill our daughters and I…seriously…no exaggeration), I had hoped that when they were teenagers, they would want to face him and ask him why? One piece of advice I will offer if I can….always tell the truth that you know your son can handle but never lie or twist it. In the end he will find out the truth and you never want him to second guess his faith in you. Certain family members did this with my stepson while I told his younger siblings the truth about their dad. He recently found out the truth and was devistated and is still not on very good terms with the family members who lied and sugar coated everything. Also, I always admitted my share of the blame and never made their dad look worse then it should…and they are always encouraged to remember the good. Yes, I am for real. I just don’t believe in wasting time being angry or vengeful…he took too many years away from me this way and I refuse to give him anymore ;-)You sound like a loving and dedicated father…someone my ex wasn’t. Unfortunately, someone like your ex gives the rest of us a bad name and we spend the rest of our lives trying to find the one guy who realizes that we aren’t all from the same mold. If I can realize that not all men are like my ex, I hope that you will someday realize that your honest female is out there and you will meet her when you are least expecting it.And to everyone who has pointed out your misspelled words….I proofread for a living and what I noticed weren’t the errors, but the passion that you write with…I wish I had thought of writing a blog as a part of my healing process….good for you and I wish you every success in this and in your life and your son’s.
And Tom…Happiest of Father’s Day!