Sometimes when I do not get to see my Son for awhile, he starts to call me by my 1st name, "Tom". That would not be to bad but he also starts to call my ex’s boy friend of 3-4 years, "daddy". When I asked him what he ate for breakfast, he said, "my dad made me pancakes". Is it wrong to correct him? The guy does a good job & takes better care of him than his mother. Last Saturday when he said that, I said "you mean Mot (the guys nickname) made you pancakes". Today I was thinking about this alot. I feel like I did something wrong by letting my feelings confuse him a bit. I hope not. I don’t get mad at all. I just feel left out of his life & yeah, jealous that this guy was "allowed" by his mom to play the role of his dad. I have to think about this one more!!
9 Replies to “Daddy “Tom””
Your more than welcome for the prayers that is the least I can do. I suppose I am some what of a night owl. That seems to be the only time I can have peace for myself plus I work nights so I usually am home about 11:15 pm. It’s hard to hear your child refer to some one else as dad but It happens all the time. As long as he isn’t forced to do it. My ex is bad at that. His family did that with my oldest when we got together they kept insisting that she call him dad even though I was against it. Ironcially she can’t stand him now and the feeling is mutual. He never really treated her like a daughter. Always put all the others before her and expect me to put him before her. She said that if I ever went back to him that she would never talk to me again.
Just a quick note: I haven’t read everything, but I can say something about the "dad" thing. My daughter called my roommate "daddy" much to the anger of her dad- please note that your child knows that you are his daddy and will always be- sometimes daddy is just a noun used to name someone.
G-gads! This is depressing. But an unavoidable part of this world we live in. In my divorce, my ex was/ is forcing my daughter who turns 8 years next month to call another guy "daddy." My ex was secretly dating a co-worker and thought by taking him to play grounds with my daughter, some magic would happen like fairy dust falling from the sky and this new man would instantly become a dad. Didn’t work. My ex sat my daughter down and asked if she wanted this guy to be her "new daddy." My daughter is wise enough to know that something is wrong with this, so my daughter informed me. I made a conscious decision to not make my daughter a pawn. A little girl clearly caught in the middle. I just asked her who she thinks her dad is…she pointed at me. No more words were needed, I think I was choking back tears at that point. I honestly felt stupid for asking her. And at the same time if she thought some other guy would make a better dad, then maybe I deserve to hear it. My comments ended in a low key warm hearted way but there will be days where my child will turn to someone else for comfort. As long she is okay, I know in my soul that if she needs a hug or a kind word and if it can’t be me then I pray that she gets a hug or kind word when she needs it. Take your time, breathe easy and know that by staying away from the over ripe drama and just enjoying your kid’s childhood when they are with you, then you will get so much back in return. It ain’t easy but neither is being a parent. Which you still are! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO EVERYONE!!!!
A comment from step-mom called "MOM"….My husband and I have raised his son since he was two. I have been a stay-at-home mom to him for many years. He does have contact with his biological mother, albeit sporadic and chaotic. He knows he has two moms who love him very much. However, he also knows he has an ‘absent’ mom who will shower him with gifts and fun times once in a blue moon – and a mom who holds him when the other mom is a no-show for her visits, the one who packs his lunch for camp with a smiley face hidden inside the bag, the one who shows up for parent-teacher conferences, the one who makes him clean his room….And most importantly, the one who will never let him disrespect the mom who brought him into this world and into my life. From the step-mom’s perspective, appreciate what your ex’s boyfriend has done for your son. He has been there when you weren’t (by choice or otherwise). If he lives in the same house as your son, he has also given up a lot of his own wishes to make your son’s come true. Stop the pitty party. Enjoy being dad, that’s who you are. But don’t let your ego get in the way of your son’s reality – he has two men in his life who love him very much. That should be celebrated.
My three year old calls my husband daddy, much to her biological father’s dismay. Whatever problems we may have between each other, there is not that same problem between them. I understand what it’s like to have your child call you by your first name. My ex taught her to do it, and to call his girlfriend mommy out of spite. As much as I dislike it, This woman takes amazing care of my child when I’m not there to do so myself. My daughter is blessed to have someone like this in her life.I’ve noticed that the more my ex pushes her about it, the more she withdraws. Your son knows who his daddy is, and being there makes all the difference.You’re right by the way, the courts do ignore the father’s, even when the mother obviously should not have custody of her child. The same addage works with women. Anyone can be a mother, but it takes someone special to be a mommy.
Hello Tom, I am sorry to hear of all of your trouble through your divorce and the depression that can occur to the non custodial parent. I am a mother that has to deal with the reprecussions of a dead beat father that gave up his rights to my oldest daughter, and I also have a son that I fought for with all that i had to get primary custody of, from a very abusive ex husband who happend to also be a police officer and his parents have all of the income to fight legally. Anyhow I am also remarried to a wonderful, loving, kind man and we share three wonderful daughters together. So I can say that I know what it is like to be a custodial parent and a non custodial parent all at the same time. I do beleive that because I have to live on both sides of the fence I am more understanding to noncustodial parents and try to show more empathy and support for the best interest of my children. I do also understand your pain and the depression that you are dealing with being that you are not involved in your child’s everyday activities. I also understand the jealousy with your son calling another man "daddy."My only advice to you is this. You can never demand respect or love, these things are commanded with your actions. One day your child is going to be grown just as you are and they are going to be thinking about you and the things that you have done in their life. If your child knows through your reactions to this terrible situation that they will always have you to talk to and to rely on no matter what, that is a trust that can never be broken by anyone else, because that trust was established between you and your child and that child will have no doubt in their mind what kind of person you are. I also would like to say that one day they are going to be grown and will have their own lives to live and as long as you keep that bond even within the minimal amount of time that you are allowed, that when it comes time for Christmas and Thanksgiving that they are going to go where they are more comfortable and to whom they trust. You stay on the road that you are on and you will see that just because you do not get your child every day, and I do understand how you would feel that you are being robbed of his life, because I battle that emotion with my own son. But as I was saying the Proof is in the pudding…one day he will have a choice and he will choose to visit you not because he has to but because he wants to. there was a response from a step mother that told you to be grateful that someone is there to take your place…I have to agree and disagree with her comment. First she obviously doesn’t understand what it is like to not be the parent that is not allowed to be involved on an everyday basis and I feel that she should have more compassion. Second I feel that it would have been a wiser choice to say that you should be grateful that the man that your EX chose to be in your son’s life is good to him and does not mistreat him. but not that he should be grateful that he has a new "dad." You will always be his father and dad and no one can take that away from you unless you choose to let go of that role. The boyfriend should be instructed to not allow this child to call him dad because what happens when or if they break up? Then there is going to be a sense of loss for your son because he is going to feel that he has lost a dad. It should be made very clear to this child that this man is mommy’s boyfriend, and you are his dad. If the day comes that your ex and this man marry then it should be made clear that this man is his step-dad. If he then wants to call him daddy "what ever is nick name is" then I do not see anything wrong with that. But the role of dad is yours, and your ex wife should not be confusing this child in that way by encouraging him to say that by not telling him what he should be called. Anyhow that is just my opinion and I do feel that it is in the best interest of your child. I do wish you luck with your ex and the coparenting that exists between you both, and I also wish you a wonderful relationship between you and your son through all of your years together. I sincerely understand, Misty
I think the most painful thing about divorce is seeing someone else try to take your place in the lives of your children. They can never take your place, but it is terribly painful to see them try to.
Let me preface by saying that I am coming in at two perspectives. One one hand, I am a single mother of 3 children with an EX that provides a lot of drama in my life. I am also a clinical social worker with a strong background in child development. I believe that a child can never have too many people in their lives who love them. If the boyfriend is good to him, loves him, etc., then encourage the relationship. If you are troubled by the titles, ask your son what "dad" means to him and how he views that title with regard to you and to the boyfriend. My ex is gay and has a new partner and I have encouraged my children to call him their step dad. To his face, they call him by his first name but when talking to their friends, they call him their step dad. I have invited both of them to major events like school performances, birthday parties, and holiday dinners. My ex and I do not come close to parenting in the same way nor do we particularly like each other but that has to be between us. The kids need their father as much as they need me. They are now old enough to see all of our faults and shortcomings for themselves and make up their own minds and believe me, being supportive of their relationship with their father has paid off. The way I look at it is, "Be who you want to be at all times regardless of how others act toward you and at the end of the day, you will be able to live with yourself."
I can understand where you are coming from to a point. My ex husband left when I was 5 months pregnant with our third child. He was out of thier lives for almost 5 yrs. I can say at one point I thought I really hated him.Here I am almost 9 yrs later and my ex and I have actually become very good friends. We are both remarried and all four of us get a long very well.Our youngest child lives with him, she is 8, and then our 10 and 14 yr old sons live with my husband and I. The kids know that we are all ok with whatever way they decide to refer to thier stepparents, and they have chosen to refer to them as "Mom and Dad".My ex husbands wife does a very good job with our daughter, and I trust her in every sence with her. Yes some times I get bothered when she calls her "Mommy", but then I stop myself because I know she knows who her "Momma" is and that she doesn’t love me any less.My oldest refers to my husband by his name, although he rarely has anything to do with his father. Our middle child is building a wonderful relationship with his father, but has an even closer relationship with my husband. He has asked my husband to adopt him as he feels that he is his father. We talked about it, and we spoke with my ex about this, and to my surprise, he has agreed to sign papers if this is truely what our son wants. However we all feel that our son still needs to remain in contact with his father, as no matter what last name he has, my ex will always be his father by blood, and they are becoming wonderful friends.I just wanted to give you another blended families input. Keep your head up, things will work out for you.